What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 01:58
Put me off passion for life!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it wasn’t much.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why does a college girl cover her face with a scarf in Bangalore?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When she asked me how she looked .
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Can I see some saggy tit pics and huge areolas pics?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i do to all so called friends.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He resisted the act ,that day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I think the readers, may guess!
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Comes on , in middle age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
I said to her
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It was going to be , some day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She married twice! .
We were not on the streets..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She loved him until the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was seconnd youngest,
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I will be 64.
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My family never makes their pension either.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I don,t even have a pension.